Lucas
October 27th, 2002, 06:51 AM
How to handle telemarketers
by: I. Mack Retin
Ever since the invention of the telephone, by some guy named Alexander Graham Bell, or Maybe it was a trained Astronaut Chimpanzee, modern corporations have attempted to use the telephone to sell us crap. Things like left handed screwdrivers, weekly subscriptions to the Kracker Kounty Kronicle, or preowned, slightly used toilet paper.
For centuries now, we have been the hapless recipients of calls from toffee nosed 8 year olds who are trying to earn their 15 pesos a day, by bugging the hell out of people at exactly the most inconvenient time....like, when eating the mayonnaise that's been sitting in the fridge for 2 years, trying to get it on with your favourite 'Blow Up Betty' (pattent pending), or watching reruns of 'Crack Ho: The Lighter Side' on UPN. Their nasal spewings seeming to transmute directly through their mucous covered headset, through the magical pixy wire, right to your ear.
This is how I used to answer the phone when it rang;
<phone rings>
Me - "Hello?"
Vapid Nose Miner - "Hello? is mister, or misses Rootin home please?"
Me - "Mr. Retin speaking, who's this?"
Diaper Wrangler - "Ummm, Err, uh, my name is ...uhhh, Petey Idoncare and I'm...uhh calling to see if you'd be interested in a subscription to the local paper "The Kracker Kounty Kronicle".
Me - "OH, JESUS H. CHRIST ON A POGO STICK1"
<Slam the phone so hard it becomes an art deco piece imbedded in the bookcase parts that now litter the floor>
This would leave me with a huge empty space in my gut, which I normally took for hunger, and luckily I was right. Still, the fact that I got upset that someone was paid to sell me something in my own home (such as it is...it's a cardboard box duct taped to a payphone) should not be a reason for me to get upset. I decided that as I am being called during the time at which I am trying to relax after a long and arduous day of panhandling, scratching myself, farting and talking to the imaginary people that walk through my living room every day, I should take the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of this kind hearted Telemarketting chimp and partake in some constructive conversation.
Here is a transcript of a more friendly imaginary conversation, that I came up with while shaving my back;
<phone rings>
Me - "Hello?"
Telemarketer - "Hello, may I speak with mister or misses R...Roo...t..an, please?"
Me - "This is Mister R...Roo...t..an, what can I do for you today?"
Telemarketer - "Hi, my name is Corky, and I have a great offer for you today, could I interest you in a subscription to new cell phone through Rogers AT&T?"
Me - "hmm, sounds interesting, Corky, what is this subscription exactly?"
Telemarketer- "Well, have you ever owned a cell phone before?"
Me - "No, I haven't. To be honest, I've never gotten one because I've been apprehensive about the reports that they give you brain cancer...are those reports true?"
Telemarketer - "None of the allegations regarding the effects of the radio waves have conclusively shown that they are harmful, Mr. .....Raytoon."
Me - "You seem remarkably well informed, Kooky. But have they shown that they are not harmful? I mean there are other considerations too. I mean what if I'm in the toilet and the phone rings, but the cell phone is all the way down the hall next to the food court?"
Telemarketer - "Well, that's part of the beauty of cell phones, you can carry them with you wherever you go."
Me - "Ha ha, Really? Please forgive my surprise, but I'm shocked that you would use a poop joke like that."
Telemarketer - "I, uh...I...didn't mean anything like that..."
Me - "it's okay, some of the best jokes are the ones we try to cover up or make more obvious or beat people with or something.....Anyway, How can I take this thing wherever I go?"
Telemarketer - "It's a cell phone, and so it's mobile, it'll work virtually anywhere."
Me - "How long is the chord that comes with the phone? It would have to be pretty darned long, I have to walk around the mall all day, and I need a really long chord indeed."
Telemarketer - "Sir, you don't need a chord, it uses batteries".
Me - "what's a batteries?"
Telemarketer - "are you joking with me sir?"
Me - "yes, I like to do that from time to time, it makes things more fun."
Telemarketer - "I see, well that's very funny sir. So would you be interested in hearing about our cell phone packages?"
Me - "There's more than one?"
Telemarketer - "Oh yes, there are plans that fulfill the needs of every type of calling patterns."
Me - "hmm, and what are my calling patterns? Are they squiggly like those hospital diagnostic machines that beep when you die?"
Telemarketer - "I don't know what you mean sir, but you need to tell me what kind of calls you make so that I can give you the best plan".
Me - "oh, well, I make phone calls to friends and family, and Eddie out at the payphone near the dumpster out back, he's a jerk, but I have to call him now and then to make sure he doesn't touch my stuff."
Telemarketer - "Ha Ha Mr. Rintintin, I'm talking about if you make Long distance calls, or evening calls or daytime calls. which of those do you make?"
Me - "yes".
Telemarketer - "I'm sorry sir, I don't understand, is it all of those kinds of calls?"
Me - "Well, I don't make any Long Distance calls, but I do call on weekends to my aunt in Russia."
Telemarketer - "I see......okay, and when you make the domestic calls to your friends and family here in North America are they day time calls?"
Me - "No, not really, it depends on my mood, I might call when I think it's night, but it could be day...or I might be sleep lurching through the mall parking lot."
Telemarketer - " Evening then?"
Me - "are you about to hang up on me?"
Telemarketer - "no Mr. Rooter, I'm trying to help you select the best calling plan".
Me - "Uh huh, can I talk to Bill? he owes me five bucks".
Telemarketer - "pardon me sir?"
Me - "Bill came down to my place the a while ago to score and he didn't have the cash, so I said I'd let him have the dope if he paid me later....well, it's been 10 minutes and he still hasn't paid me. I think that's really rude".
Telemarketer - "Sir, I can't talk about that kind of thing and there is no Bill here."
Me - "I have to talk to Bill, put him on the phone. That scumbag better pay me what he owes me or I'll send Guido, my imaginary enforcer, over there to jam a cell phone up his asscrack."
Telemarketter - Politely hangs up the phone.
Congratulations!! Not only have we managed to make the telemarketter subtly believe that we live in a shopping mall, but as an added bonus, they think we are an unstable hobo drug dealer!
by: I. Mack Retin
Ever since the invention of the telephone, by some guy named Alexander Graham Bell, or Maybe it was a trained Astronaut Chimpanzee, modern corporations have attempted to use the telephone to sell us crap. Things like left handed screwdrivers, weekly subscriptions to the Kracker Kounty Kronicle, or preowned, slightly used toilet paper.
For centuries now, we have been the hapless recipients of calls from toffee nosed 8 year olds who are trying to earn their 15 pesos a day, by bugging the hell out of people at exactly the most inconvenient time....like, when eating the mayonnaise that's been sitting in the fridge for 2 years, trying to get it on with your favourite 'Blow Up Betty' (pattent pending), or watching reruns of 'Crack Ho: The Lighter Side' on UPN. Their nasal spewings seeming to transmute directly through their mucous covered headset, through the magical pixy wire, right to your ear.
This is how I used to answer the phone when it rang;
<phone rings>
Me - "Hello?"
Vapid Nose Miner - "Hello? is mister, or misses Rootin home please?"
Me - "Mr. Retin speaking, who's this?"
Diaper Wrangler - "Ummm, Err, uh, my name is ...uhhh, Petey Idoncare and I'm...uhh calling to see if you'd be interested in a subscription to the local paper "The Kracker Kounty Kronicle".
Me - "OH, JESUS H. CHRIST ON A POGO STICK1"
<Slam the phone so hard it becomes an art deco piece imbedded in the bookcase parts that now litter the floor>
This would leave me with a huge empty space in my gut, which I normally took for hunger, and luckily I was right. Still, the fact that I got upset that someone was paid to sell me something in my own home (such as it is...it's a cardboard box duct taped to a payphone) should not be a reason for me to get upset. I decided that as I am being called during the time at which I am trying to relax after a long and arduous day of panhandling, scratching myself, farting and talking to the imaginary people that walk through my living room every day, I should take the opportunity to enjoy the fruits of this kind hearted Telemarketting chimp and partake in some constructive conversation.
Here is a transcript of a more friendly imaginary conversation, that I came up with while shaving my back;
<phone rings>
Me - "Hello?"
Telemarketer - "Hello, may I speak with mister or misses R...Roo...t..an, please?"
Me - "This is Mister R...Roo...t..an, what can I do for you today?"
Telemarketer - "Hi, my name is Corky, and I have a great offer for you today, could I interest you in a subscription to new cell phone through Rogers AT&T?"
Me - "hmm, sounds interesting, Corky, what is this subscription exactly?"
Telemarketer- "Well, have you ever owned a cell phone before?"
Me - "No, I haven't. To be honest, I've never gotten one because I've been apprehensive about the reports that they give you brain cancer...are those reports true?"
Telemarketer - "None of the allegations regarding the effects of the radio waves have conclusively shown that they are harmful, Mr. .....Raytoon."
Me - "You seem remarkably well informed, Kooky. But have they shown that they are not harmful? I mean there are other considerations too. I mean what if I'm in the toilet and the phone rings, but the cell phone is all the way down the hall next to the food court?"
Telemarketer - "Well, that's part of the beauty of cell phones, you can carry them with you wherever you go."
Me - "Ha ha, Really? Please forgive my surprise, but I'm shocked that you would use a poop joke like that."
Telemarketer - "I, uh...I...didn't mean anything like that..."
Me - "it's okay, some of the best jokes are the ones we try to cover up or make more obvious or beat people with or something.....Anyway, How can I take this thing wherever I go?"
Telemarketer - "It's a cell phone, and so it's mobile, it'll work virtually anywhere."
Me - "How long is the chord that comes with the phone? It would have to be pretty darned long, I have to walk around the mall all day, and I need a really long chord indeed."
Telemarketer - "Sir, you don't need a chord, it uses batteries".
Me - "what's a batteries?"
Telemarketer - "are you joking with me sir?"
Me - "yes, I like to do that from time to time, it makes things more fun."
Telemarketer - "I see, well that's very funny sir. So would you be interested in hearing about our cell phone packages?"
Me - "There's more than one?"
Telemarketer - "Oh yes, there are plans that fulfill the needs of every type of calling patterns."
Me - "hmm, and what are my calling patterns? Are they squiggly like those hospital diagnostic machines that beep when you die?"
Telemarketer - "I don't know what you mean sir, but you need to tell me what kind of calls you make so that I can give you the best plan".
Me - "oh, well, I make phone calls to friends and family, and Eddie out at the payphone near the dumpster out back, he's a jerk, but I have to call him now and then to make sure he doesn't touch my stuff."
Telemarketer - "Ha Ha Mr. Rintintin, I'm talking about if you make Long distance calls, or evening calls or daytime calls. which of those do you make?"
Me - "yes".
Telemarketer - "I'm sorry sir, I don't understand, is it all of those kinds of calls?"
Me - "Well, I don't make any Long Distance calls, but I do call on weekends to my aunt in Russia."
Telemarketer - "I see......okay, and when you make the domestic calls to your friends and family here in North America are they day time calls?"
Me - "No, not really, it depends on my mood, I might call when I think it's night, but it could be day...or I might be sleep lurching through the mall parking lot."
Telemarketer - " Evening then?"
Me - "are you about to hang up on me?"
Telemarketer - "no Mr. Rooter, I'm trying to help you select the best calling plan".
Me - "Uh huh, can I talk to Bill? he owes me five bucks".
Telemarketer - "pardon me sir?"
Me - "Bill came down to my place the a while ago to score and he didn't have the cash, so I said I'd let him have the dope if he paid me later....well, it's been 10 minutes and he still hasn't paid me. I think that's really rude".
Telemarketer - "Sir, I can't talk about that kind of thing and there is no Bill here."
Me - "I have to talk to Bill, put him on the phone. That scumbag better pay me what he owes me or I'll send Guido, my imaginary enforcer, over there to jam a cell phone up his asscrack."
Telemarketter - Politely hangs up the phone.
Congratulations!! Not only have we managed to make the telemarketter subtly believe that we live in a shopping mall, but as an added bonus, they think we are an unstable hobo drug dealer!